o doSometimes we just have to run away from our problems.Nevermind what people think that we are coward or not.But ask yourself.Will it be a win-win solution?Sometimes,even we attend to our problems we still dont have the final solution or not feeling satisfied over it.And so it goes on......

Yes.Nizam gave me a bit of bad news at the stairs and I dont know what to do and sat just to stop tears from flowing.

The impact hit me like a bullet train only to find myself flying and land to somewhere Im not familiar of and it still didnt killed me.Thats how I feel about it.Nevermind.Nobody could help.Nobody could.Its just me alone.A lonewolf.

Instead,I just hugged him and said thanks for everything.And after that,some tears flowed out of my eyes.

Its just that,after losing somebody I kinda lost myself as things dont go how it suppose to be and I didnt plan what to do if it failed.Then I heard a bad news from my friend's brother few days ago.

I couldnt believe it.I just couldnt believe it.But I had a dream before the day the friend told me.I shant say anything but it consist of abortion.I felt angry and sad at the same time.This family is breaking up and you still do things like that.I never.Abang,you helped me a lot even though the ways you used to me are rough like kicking me after punching my face and I fell you still kicked me as if you wanted me to die.I understand you abang.I understand you.But I didnt expect you to do something like this.Even though you managed to pay for the abortion but still,you made me lose respect in you.I dont know what to do.I dont know what to do.

I received the shocking news just now when Im typing.Grandma fell and her head is torn.She is stubborn as my aunt says not to come down the stairs but she did.And shes admitted at the hospital for a week.At her age and sickness,anything could happen.Grandma,please hold on.I will visit you myself on Sunday.Please hold on.And I dont want to lose somebody I really love.Seriously,I promised to visit you on Sunday.Please...God please....

My problems are getting constant each day as I slowly lost myself....Losing hope for love,Apen and Azri at the same time.

I cant stand the pain no more..I want to write about my past life...Im shattered and bruised.I lost my love life,have a shattered family,and paranoid of losing Grandma.-sigh-

Abang,ingat tak zaman bila kita kecil-kecil dahulu.Bila kita selalu main bola didepan rumah Serangoon kita?Ingat tak berapa peritnya bila keluarga kita susah dan ayah tidak dapat belikan kita satu mainan pun?Adik tau abang tak dapat berapa belasan kasih sayang dari ayah tapi abang mesti tau,sejauhnya adik,adik tetap sayang abang.Tetapi,perangai abang tukar bila aku masuk sekolah menengah.Abang bukan saja suka marah-marah,tapi abang suka pukul adik.Abang ingat tak bila abang tumbuk perut adik dan adik menangis kesesakan nafas?Umur adik dan abang jauh berbeza.Abih,bila abang bantai adik kerana abang geram ngan Yana dan abang lepaskan geram kat adik.Badan adik sakit dan adik takut sampai adik telepon ayah suruh ayah balik dari kerja.Sekarang,kita bukan seperti macam dahulu.Perangai masing-masing berubah dan sibuk dengan kegiatan masing.Adik sedih tau bila adik nampak betapa gembiranya Abang orang lain bermanja dengan adiknya.Adik sedih..Adik sedih...

And the saddening thing is,we didnt realised that we have another brother aged 27,a wife and 2 kids.I didnt know that for 15 years..I didnt know my father has divorced before..

Nenek...ingat tak bila nenek ikat adik bila adik masih nakal dan suka kacau nenek?Nenek ingat tak bila kita kutip bunga kecik-kecik di depan sekola tadika adik?Ingat tak?Bila adik selalu buka laci jahitan nenek dan bau bunga itu.Sedap tau baunya nenek.Maafkan adik kalau adik tidak selalu menziarahi nenek di Hougang.Tetapi,adik tetap selalu ingat kepada nenek.Apa nenek buat di rumah.Dan sekarang,bila adik dapat tau nenek jatuh dan kepala nenek koyak,adik takut.Adik takut kerana adik selalu dengar berapa ramai datuk dan nenek orang mati kerana terjatuh.Dan keadaan nenek yang ada banyak penyakit itu.Nenek tau,sememangnya betapa banyak kasih sayang diberi oleh ayah dan emak kan,nenek tetap adik pilih.Sejak ayah halau nenek dari rumah,nenek mungkin tak ingat tapi adik ingat adik tanya nenek,

"Nenek,nak pergi mana?"
"Nenek nak keluar dari rumah ni pasal ayah kamu halau nenek."

Adik nampak tangisan Nenek mengalir dari mata dan keadaan adik huru-hara selepas itu.Adik tidak akan dapat kasih sayang seperti nenek berikan.Adik janji akan melawat nenek minggu ini.Adik janji.Nenek tak mahu putus asa ok...Nenek.......

..Nenek..

P.s.Im sorry this entry is too emo but thats what Im feeling now.Please understand..

..Between grandmother and me,there is a love that I couldt get from anyone..

7:00p.m

I watched Stealth movie to chilled myself.At the same time to get things over with.And eventually I did!I made my mind....

Im going to let you be for the moment as I fixed myself up for now.....

K thats all for today!!!

P.s.No nizam.Im not going to wait.If she needs me,then she shall return..If she wants...


I guess its ok I puked the day away,
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way,
And if you want me back,
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that....

2:53 PM