what the hell for.


what the hell for me to do good deeds when all i get is shit from the same people in the end.what the hell for me to put in extra effort when people eventually mistaken it for something i didnt even intend.what the hell for me to sit and listen to your pathetic life story when you arent even there in the first place.and thanks for using every single part of me to take back what you wanted.eventually,we used human shields to protect yourself rather than bearing the consequences life have to give.


thanks for ruining my life.thanks for becoming my friend.thanks for giving me the chance.i hate every single fcukface now.i hate my teachers for ruining the bonding i tried so hard to tie within the family.fcuk you all.now it sounded so reasonable ey?sound so reasonable to bring me down.


let alone as every single drip of warmth is absorbed by the hate that covered.i dont care any less anymore.every moment of life seemed to be worthless now.now i realised where i stand in every part of you fcukers life.i feel liked a bacteria in which many people wanted to eliminate.


i cant stand it any longer.i cant sit down here and wear bright colors just to make sure i have this impression that im fcuking happy.i cant hold it any longer.im going to let everything out.screaming at the fakers face for what they did and just beat the hell of em.i lost my fcuking balance in life.sliding all the way down.


and dont even think i dont believe in god.for the fact i started praying.this is what happens,when somebody tried to do something good to change,there are in fact many fcukers out there who wanted to stop me.and how the fcuk am i going to change.how the fcuk am i going to do the things with motivation when i was showered with disencouragements and disappoinments.


when fcuking rumours are passed around and it breaks everything i had.when i was the witness and stood up for someone who is right and when everybody dont fcuking believe me anymore.when after i post this entry,people will look at me with suspiciously.when the problem seems to be minor and the fact that people are making a very big deal and just want to get their hands on the matter and resolve everything.when people pin pointed me for taking away their friends...


and thats why i started doing things alone.avoiding the ones that may caused the downfall.contributing to this damage when the fact im already done for.i feel the comfort whenever im alone and the fact that im already used to it at work.where i can just do the things i wanted without getting in anyone's way.where i can just sit there and dream.and dream.where i feel so far away but so near to the accusations that undergoing some planning.


and why the fcuk i wanted to go NS so much next year.its because i cant be sitting ducks anymore.i did put a good fight to be where i wanted to.its a success but i guess the offensive are too great now.im all worn out and i need time for myself.to rebuild back the security walls i tend to ignore.to erase the things i've bottled up only to make sure there will be some space for the future..


i clearly remember the turn downs and the disappointment i received... :(


p.s.i am just a man with a heart and sinful hands. I am a fallen victim

3:13 AM