theres a distance.a distance in me that nobody ever reached before but myself.an anxiety i always had that i always wanted to destroy.a love so far yet people see it so near.a trust.a trust with its roots destroyed.


a distance.only a person could reached by looking what i've seen through my eyes.a person who could understand not only what i felt, but for every words i said.a promised i made.a promised i made that only people could end it...


i had a love.a love so pure.a love so pure liked a mother feels towards her children.i cherished every sweet moments i had with my friends,the person i loved..


i find its hard to cry infront of people.my egos.but deep in my heart.does anyone ever hear me cry before?deep in my heart?nobody ever did.i cried most of the time in my heart.everytime something bad happened or even when im ignored.i feel hurt.


sometimes,i need attention.cause i dont received enough eversince im young.i know some are born even without parents.but this is different.having parents without love is like hoping for something that never happened.


i know mom and dad.u did ur best.and thats okay.thats okay.and when my pay is constant,im going to give you some money.we are not speaking of tenth but hundreds.mom.dad.im so sorry.but have u ever felt the hurt in your son?or even what he thinks at the back of his mind?


cause mom and dad.your son turned into an angry person.and i never wanted to be like this.do you know mom and dad,when your son is angry,he hurt other people too..


mom dad..i need help.i tried to believe in god.but its so hard but im willing to try back.i didnt know i been this far..mom dad....help me please...


and to my friends.sorry if i am so harsh sometimes.but thats just me.a person who is willing to laugh.even if its hurt.im trying to find every single moment in life,without letting any chances to slip by.just to laugh.laugh loudly and we all go home feeling happy.im so sorry about my harsh words and my attitude..


to my dearest ayu..its not that i dont love you.i did.but i dont know how to love myself.sometimes when i fought,i feel so angry at myself that i want to destroy myself and reborn again.when u cry, i feel so sorry so sorry that i made you cried.i am a failure.i failed so many times and people, people they always wronged me in what im doing right...sometimes i just dont know what is right and wrong..i know you said you will wait, but im not sure sometimes how long you are going to be strong enough to tolerate me...baby..dreams do get lost along the way.and i understand.i understand why every single arguement we had and the tears that fell from your eyes,will made the love fade away.


i understand baby.and when you're gone one day...i know i got myself to be blamed for..for i am the firestarter for every fights.i am wrong.i am the problem one.i cant handle a small situation.i will just create another problem.


and when i felt this way baby,i feel like giving up because i feel like im no use.i feel like im just another problem for you.a useless companion.its not about you baby,its just me.i am selfish and i am unkind.my heart. my heart... it just stopped working!and my brain..my brain thought of senseless ideas..i am broken.i am partially not working anymore..i feel liked a robot programme to self destruct after causing so much pain in human lives...


i feel so far and alone. and i wished that i am back to where i am.i dont feel myself anymore.i cant believe im crying as i typed this.i feel so uncontactable.i dont have anyone.im going crazy.i keep touching my heart as if. as if theres something for me to find.


god.why?why me god?i know i did a lot of mistakes but god..give me a chance..my eyes is so painful right now.i cant think straight..i feel like going a take a beer or liqour rite now..god...my eyes...its so painful..


i cant stopped crying.i tried to be strong ..i just cant..i feel so hopeless..i feel like this has no end.i feel like ending myself is the only way out..


god...destroy me.take me far away from this place.i will leave peacefully.i am giving up.my heart.its so painful.i miss my baby so much.i feel so hopeless.god...leave me in coma.leave me into the underworld when i woke up..


i feel so hopeless.i am a disaster.i am a disaster..i am a disaster..i am a disaster...i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.i dont my parents to think i am a failure.i dont want my baby to think i am the end.i dont want my siblings to follow my footsteps..my cousins..my nenek...and nenek,u shud just let go of me and let the wound on my head killed me instantly....nenek..why....nenek...


god...what is wrong with me?why am i crying so hard.it hurts..my eyes hurts..and so is my heart....god...ya allah....

11:34 PM